It is not impossible for us to overrule these evolutionary preferences, but we need to understand them and what we need to do if we want to overcome them (Geary, 2000). Against the political movements of the last few decades, the tragedies of COVID-19 have illuminated many ways in which humans can be extraordinarily compassionate. There is now considerable evidence that our brains and bodies “work best” in environments where we feel cared for and about, and feel we can make a contribution that others value (Gilbert, 2009; Brown and Brown, 2015, 2017, Seppälä et al., 2017). Nothing prepared us to deal with the consequences of developing agriculture and creating environments of expanding groups, the need to work long hours tending fields and farms, and opportunities to acquire, accumulate and store vast resources. Overtime we drifted into a very different type of resource regulation strategy, giving up a caring sharing lifestyle and replacing it with a resource owning, accumulating and power seeking, hierarchical one (Harari, 2014).
One version links to a sense of entitlement to treat others as a resource, and in the extreme regulate their relationships through fear. Many of the people in our prisons did not have good starts and their capacities for empathic connectedness to others is limited. Can these individuals be turned to change these fundamental evolved strategies that are running their show? Shirtcliff et al. (2009) show that individuals who are callous are not emotionally in tune or physiologically responsive with their own emotional pain. However, keep in mind that mentalities are co-regulating and therefore if individuals can start to process their own pain and their unmet needs to have been cared for, this might open up that social mentality.
I know personally that instead of voicing some of those concerns or asking others how they are feeling and having a dialogue, I often try and avoid confrontation. As one key example, the world’s economic superpower, the United States, has achieved striking economic and technological progress over the past half century without gains in the self-reported happiness of the citizenry. Instead, uncertainties and anxieties are high, social and economic inequalities have widened considerably, social trust is in decline, and confidence in government is at an all-time low.
Remind yourself that everyone has struggles and vulnerabilities—even those who upset you. Seeing others as complex human beings deserving of kindness primes compassionate responses. If we truly wish to heal the wounds of our fractured world, we must first choose to see one another, near and far, as equally worthy of care, respect, and justice. We then have a spaciousness in which hope and compassion can flourish. A friend working in healthcare recently shared the toll of working under a leader who disregards their team’s dedication, neglects honest dialogue, and chooses intimidation over collaboration.
Instead, it means staying connected to empathy, respect, and curiosity—even when things get messy. Let’s explore some concrete ways to approach conflict with compassion and create deeper connection in the process. As a Seattle based couples therapist, I offer the following insights to help you handle conflict with compassion. Empathy doesn’t just resolve the immediate conflict—it lays the foundation for sustainable, long-term solutions.
On The Nature Of Threat And The Fear Of Losing
One of the mental processes of control and hold is to change our relationship with nature, other species and each other. The basic view of the first book of the Bible – Genesis – is that God created the world for humans to use. Our cruelty to animals is shocking both in terms of our factory farming and extensive, unnecessary and environmentally harmful use of them for food, and our whaling, hunting these highly sentient beings almost to extinction.
- Again, the social and ecological environments will have major impact on the phenotypes of competitive and caring behavior.
- Leaders play an influential role in shaping the culture around conflict resolution within organizations or communities.
- The contemplative traditions Jainism, Buddhism and others understood very clearly our potential for callousness and highlighted the importance of training the mind in forms of compassion to stand against it (Ricard, 2015).
- Morhenn et al. (2012) found that receiving touching massage reduced stress hormones and increased oxytocin.
Many primates (although much less so bonobos) living in hierarchical groups show that under competitive pressure there is a branching into two different strategies. One is to adopt a ‘damage limitation, lower risk of injurious conflict, better safe than sorry, a down rank type strategy of submissiveness, and lack of confidence.’ This increases the risk of depression and anxiety. These individuals can be caring, but this can be because they want to be liked and avoid rejection (Catarino et al., 2014; Böckler et al., 2016). Competition is very important to humans and care and share strategies do not seek to suppress it but focus it. Interviews with the scientists suggest that they are working from the sadness of the suffering, joy of being successful and the excitement and personal satisfaction of success; and of course status within that field.
Nurturing Compassion And Kindness In A Suffering World
However, economics tends to make the assumption that each individual’s brain is pretty similar without accounting for individual variation. One problem with these discourses then is that they tend to be detached from the processes of how economic and social conditions shape the kinds of brains we have – right down to our epigenetic profiles. It is also important to consider that different economic systems and cultures privilege different personalities as well. Competitive cultures are fertile grounds for narcissistic and psychopathic personalities to prosper and gain power.
From Hitler to Stalin (and others today), it was very obvious to many that these individual were callous, ruthless and dangerous and would do great harm—but there was, and still are, few mechanisms to stop them from gaining power. Indeed, others around them can be complicit and feed off their ruthlessness for personal gain themselves. Mother and infant should be seen as a co-regulating couple who both require care in contextualized supported networks. Depression among mothers is much lower in societies that operate strong kin supportive networks (Hagen, 1999). To put it https://ratingfacts.com/reviews/meetheage.com in another way, isolation and lack of caring support increases risk of depression.
How To Manage Conflict Better With Kindness And Compassion
In Europe, if you got convicted of certain crimes, you could be hung drawn and quartered for public spectacle. The public often did not object to this type of terror, rather it became entertainment. And there are forms of execution such as stoning, where the public are invited to take part! These historical process attest to the complex link between leaders and those who support them and this interaction is increasingly important to understand in right wing populism which can sow the seeds of harmful strife and conflict (Mols and Jetten, 2020). In hunter-gatherer societies, infant mortality was high, but those who survived childbirth would then experience extensive breastfeeding for up to 5 years.
Every time the child experiences others as caring, encouraging or soothing to them, they learn to turn to others when in distress. The regular experience of these means that children develop trust in others and an interest in relating to others. In addition, when caring parents show pleasure and joyfulness in their child, the child experiences themselves existing positively in the mind of others and becomes attuned to the environments their parents provide.
Across various spiritual traditions, compassion is revered as an essential virtue. In Buddhism, for example, compassion (Karuna) is central to the path of enlightenment. Practitioners are encouraged to cultivate compassion not only for friends and loved ones but also for strangers and even adversaries. This universal approach to compassion forms the basis for conflict resolution. Resolving conflicts compassionately helps maintain positive long-term relationships. It prevents resentment from festering under unresolved wounds and creates a pattern of respectful interaction that can handle future disagreements constructively.
Inconveniently, our natural inclination when we feel the sting of conflict is to outsource the blame, making it impossible to get the lesson and move on. This is especially important because many people know how to fight, but far fewer know how to fight ethically. They know how to argue, defend, and expose flaws, but not how to stay grounded in respect while confronting pain. If we do not reflect, we will instinctively handle the trigger with a defensive narrative.
In reality, forgiveness is a personal process of releasing anger and resentment. It is not about forgetting or condoning but about freeing ourselves from the emotional weight of holding onto pain. As Desmond Tutu, a champion of restorative justice, explains, “Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning” (Tutu, 1999). Forgiveness can be a powerful step toward cultivating empathy, even in the face of disdain. Whether it’s a disagreement with a colleague, a spat with a friend, or a misunderstanding with a partner, conflicts can arise at any moment. However, the way we handle these conflicts determines the impact they have on our connections.
In the intricate tapestry of relationships, conflicts are threads that can either strengthen or strain the bonds we share. Navigating conflict with compassion is an art that involves embracing healthy confrontation, prioritizing empathy, finding common ground, and cultivating emotional intelligence. By approaching conflicts with a compassionate mindset, we not only resolve disputes but also foster growth and understanding, weaving a stronger fabric for our relationships. Join us on this journey towards more resilient and empathetic connections, where conflicts become stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks. The fact is that left and right are now old tribal labels of little value.
Again, the social and ecological environments will have major impact on the phenotypes of competitive and caring behavior. This is important because these phenotypes will be regulating motives and competencies, turning some up and others down (e.g., compassion and empathy). Evidence suggests that humans adapted their physiological and cognitive systems for extended and extensive parent-infant caring (Hrdy, 2009) and these became a template for a range of social relationships, particularly in small groups.